So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
