i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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