Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
false alarm. still invincible.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
