Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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