Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.