im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
