my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Still dying that you shit outside
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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