I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
too bad you live with your parents still
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
there's paper in my vomit.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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