Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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