My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We need to get me chipped asap
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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