dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
