ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
