I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
