My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
