I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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