Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
