Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Bring me that man meat
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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