If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Randomize
