Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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