Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
