I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My hand turned me down
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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