You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
