All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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