I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
