Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
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