Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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