oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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