this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
