I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I need to align my fucking chakras
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
