hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize