"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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