I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
