she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
