Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Oh god it's open bar.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
