tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
