I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
