My Higher Power is John Stamos
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
