I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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