porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
