the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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