I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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