M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
