Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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