you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
