where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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