My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
