did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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