I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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