does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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