I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
