my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
