What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
