I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
