Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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