Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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