im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
