I murdered the dance floor call the cops
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
whose parrot is this?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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