My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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