if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
